All her twisted thoughts.

My delusions have become alot more severe the past few days. I thought it was just me; the things I was saying and doing. But once I spoke to my psych about it today, she informed I was going through another psychotic episode. I wake up, think I'm invincible, convince myself I'm part Jesus, then climb on the roof, or lie on the road. The problem is I think it's normal. I create unrealistic fantasies in my head and picture myself doing outrageous things, then I try to fulfill them and I only end up failing, which causes a lot of stress and disappointment. I can't help it.

We do stupid things when we're trying to mask up the inside. We wear pretty clothes and do our make up to make people believe we're ordinary. On the outside, maybe, but inside we're revolting, confused, distorted and filthy. But they can't see past the image we create for ourselves. They ignore the irresponsible actions. What they don't see is that it's our inner self coming out in destructive, outrageous ways. Our whole lives are lived fake. We live in dark, cold realization. Inside we're buried deeper then we can describe, we have no power, no significance, just multiple images. And that is all we'll ever be.

I keep having a dream about you, and then I can't stop thinking about you. I created you in my mind for comfort, but even in my dreams you left. I remember so clearly, you screaming at me to leave and then you dug the knife into my stomach and I woke up, shaking. It's terrifying, you seem so real. I see you every night, you avoid me, and it confuses me. Why am I connected to something that isn't real?

I hate the words 'life' and 'reality'. Life. What is life? Like, what is the proper definition, in an understanding sense? To live is to what? I don't understand. It could be classified as a religion almost, in my point of view. The difference between life and death? When we're dead we're just corpses right, 'lifeless' corpses. But aren't we like that when we're 'alive'? I don't know. I can't explain it. We're all decaying slowly, just like a dead person. Reality? I don't even know how to put this into words but I'll give it a go. Ones reality, could be another's dreams, or their worst nightmares. Is reality the sense of whats going on in front of us? To what we're subconscious to knowing? There could be so much more beyond that. But we can't see it because we're blinded with 'reality'. Does this make sense? I think I see beyond that. I don't have a reality, I have a warped concept of every day actions and the way I function. I see outside the square, noticing things people never see. I float, above 'reality'. I dream and I get afraid. I don't know. This is confusing, I've just wanted to be able to explain this for so long.